Ellis L. Marples

You are not a Republican if...

• You believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

• You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.

• You believe that there was no art before federal funding.

• You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

• You be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

• You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

• You believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle and San Francisco do.

• You believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

• You believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

•  You believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain
  parts of the Constitution.

• You believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

• You believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

• You believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

• You believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

• You believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

• You believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

• You believe that transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

• You believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

• You believe that this letter is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.